Houses to Avoid on Halloween - And How to Die Quickly if You Can't
26 October 2014
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You may be planning to go out this Halloween, perhaps trick or treating with friends. In case you really must, here is a short pictorial guide to the kind of houses you should really avoid this Halloween. There are a number of tell-tale signs to look out for. If you just know you're not the type to make it to the end of a slasher pic, follow our advice: stay in (not that it will help you if you believe in predestination). Otherwise you may well just become part of another urban legend, the stuff of future horror movies. Yet although your life might be over but there are a few ways to ensure your demise is as swift and as painless as possible.
First of all, try and be the second to die: it is tempting to just get it over with as soon as possible, true. However, the opening sequence death is always particularly graphic, painful and drawn out. Best avoided. As the nightmare reaches fever pitch and the body count rises, your friend's demises will become, likewise, ever more ingenious and blood spattered. Be number 2 and the chances are you'll be gone in the blink of an eye.
Firstly, use your common sense. You’ve seen a lot of scary movies in your time and so you should really have had some idea what should have been avoided. Of course, not every house is going to look like that which lay behind the Bates Motel but if you see a building and your first thought is that looks like the house from [insert name of scary movie here] then it’s probably best to stay away if one of your friend's hasn't bitten the dust already. If they have, separate from your friends and tell them I'll be back soon. That should do the trick.
It’s always the wooden houses that are boarded up and abandoned that likely have a centuries old vampire inside (despite the fire risk) waiting for someone to come and introduce them to the twenty first century. Likely, too, that you won’t be their choice of companion.
Therefore, even if you think that spooky and time-worn boarded up house at the end of the street is a great choice for a harmless break in and some ghost stories with booze and torches - think again. Unless someone else has already died. If they have and especially if you are the only person of color in your group of friends on this Halloween jaunt, you are probably going to be the third to go, so act now. Make a joke of the situation and death will become you shortly.
These should be especially avoided as it means that you have to climb a tiring set of stairs before you are mutilated and die horribly. If you really must ascend the steps then when you get to the door, knock and there is no answer then it is probably best to leave if no one has already died. Yet if they have, the best thing to do is to suggest that you and your buddies split up to find a back door or another entrance. I'll be back soon works very well here, too.
Once you have separated from your friends, if you see a shadowy figure hiding in the gloom, walk calmly towards it. This should be the case particularly if their outline indicates that they are carrying a staple gun, hedge trimmers or one or more carving knives. If you happen to be in Texas then you know what to look for.
Honestly, avoid these if it's the start of your evening out, but from here on in, we'll just assume that the body count is at one. If any of your companions starts spouting Latin (or any other dead language) and you know they went to public school then you have two choices. Either a) run or b) behead them. If you choose option b) then when you have finished the job check that they’re dead and you'll be next (and you'll still be the second to die). If you choose option a) then run towards the spooky house. This will not buy you any time at all.Your gruesome death awaits around the next corner. Ta da,
If your car runs out of fuel just as you pass an isolated house on a long stretch of empty road then you are already dead. Even though you're not. This is particularly true if you have filled up just an hour or two before. If your phone dies when you try to make that call to dad, then it’s probably curtains too. One thing which won’t save you is if your car has a roof: take it down anyway. The end will come mercilessly quickly and at least you can avoid the irritating tap, tap, tap of that severed head or limb spoiling the paintwork.
If, on your approach to a house in the woods, something makes a loud noise but it’s only a stray critter then you have approximately five minutes to live. You could run like hell anyway, but when the shambling, growling monster pursues you, know that you will probably fall down (several times if you are in possession of mammaries). Here's what to do.
Stay where you are, stand quite still and await the inevitable. Even though your pursuer is lumbering, blundering and ungainly and you could, in this circumstance, run faster than Usain Bolt on steroids, he would most certainly catch up with you. Get it over with.
So, there you have it. On Halloween, avoid these houses if you can. However, if you simply cannot resist the inevitable, and you go down the preordained path of most horror movies, then ensure you are the second to die.
Our last suggestion – and probably the best – is this. Take a large bottle of whiskey and make sure you are accompanied by someone you quite fancy and who you think most likely to participate in scared silly sex. Once the bodies start piling up, drink and make merry. It won’t save you – nothing ever does – but at least you’ll die happy.